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‘Phasing In’ Explained Florida Style

Rebekah Relays Trump's 'Make America Phased Again' Plan in Beer Terms

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With the stimulus money flying in and out of our bank accounts as fast as a winged-mammalian virus out of China, Trump is now looking to phase out social distancing guidelines beginning at an undetermined point in time.

Just like taking a hook out of a fish’s mouth (yesterday we went mangrove snapper fishing in my 15-foot Key Largo 150 for the first time in over a month), society is going to back itself out of social distancing the way we came in – in phases. That way, we’ve just got cute, little holes in our cheeks and stories to tell our schools of friends around the reef at night instead of gashes through our gills and Joker smiles.

So if you want to see the official guidelines for Opening Up America Again, click on the blue link I just learned how to insert into a post. If you live in Florida State and sometimes get confused about how to cast a vote, if you’ve been quarantined so long that you now have trouble remembering to put on pants before you go outside, or if you didn’t know society has been in lockdown for the last month, read on; I’ll explain.

Phase 1: “Operation Guinness Pig” (I have named these phases after other popular spirits in order to do my part to help phase out CoronaWorld and also to honor my great State of Florida, which deemed beer and liquor sales as an “essential service.”)

In Phase 1, you all will be the test subjects as we watch to see what happens to you. You will go back to having date nights as long you choose a different date night (Tuesdays are the new Fridays) than your six neighbors and observe strict social distancing guidelines. Go on out! Have fun! Now you can finally enjoy a meal without having to wash the dishes or load the dishwasher, which has occupied 70 percent of your QuaranTime. Make sure to post frequently on Facebook so the rest of us can monitor your progress.

Also during Phase 1, you can go back to the gym and your church. With the weight you’ve gained in the Netflix and Amazon Prime Pandemic of 2020, you’re going to need a combination of both the treadmill and a supreme being with a power greater than your urge for Supreme Double Stuffed Oreo cookies in a world where neither Zoom nor Skype has captured the spreading of body part below the shoulders. For you, it’s time. So go on out! Post pics often!

Finally, schools, the elderly, and bars continue to remained locked up during Phase 1. It is unclear at this time whether the elderly can be locked up in bars, but, if I was to guess, I think Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis might just allow that after being crucified for trying to reopen schools because “Coronavirus doesn’t affect young people” then putting on his mask incorrectly with the elastic around his head on live TV; he’s going to need some segment of the population to vote for him in the next election. (Just anticipating your questions.)

Phase 2: Operation “Adios Equis”

You can kick your little whippersnappers out of the house and send them to school with a $100 tip for their new teacher. (I say “new” teacher because DeSantis announced yesterday that schools will remain closed and distance learning will continue through the end of the school year in an effort to recover face after a 10-year-old Florida girl got Coronavirus following his “kids can’t get it” comment last week.)

Non-essential travel will resume, and you can go visit places like the cultural Wuhan market we’ve been hearing about so much. However, I do not believe you are allowed to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to fanged, flying animals until a later phase, even if they are drowning or choking. Safety first. Always.

Additionally, you can go to a bar with “diminished occupancy” (a bar for short people, I think) and party with 49 or less of your favorite friends who still remember who you are. However, the elderly (called “vulnerable individuals” in Trump’s plan to Make America Phased Again) must now leave the bars and return to Netflix and Amazon Prime for a while.

Employers are encouraged to continue remote operations if possible, but if they want you to sit in your little cubicle instead of in the comfort of your couch cushions that have now form-fitted to the curves of your butt cheeks, that’s OK, too.

Phase 3: Operation “Bud-dy Lite”

This is the final phase before we can return to our normal, labor-intensive, stress-ridden, politically divisive lives. After this phase, you will once again be allowed to draw cash from an ATM then extract hardened mucus from your nasal cavity without hand sanitizer.

During this phase, senior citizens can once again enjoy their discounts in public as long as they do it a safe distance from others. They can forget anything they learned about technology, such as Zoom calls and “ordering things online.” At this point, we can visit with them in care facilities and accept their fruitcakes during the holidays.

And, employers, go ahead and rehire your general managers and employees who have been delivering groceries and Big Macs since you let them go mid-Corona. I’m sure they’d love to hear from you! If you don’t seem to be able to get a hold of them, just have a pizza delivered and see who shows up.

Concerts and festivals are now OK as long as you don’t lick other people or reach into their mouths, even if it is for a helpful purpose or just plain tempting.

Ale in Ale

So, that’s the plan in a nutshell – sticking each toe into the pool of society after it shows a steady decline in communicable Milky Way bar particles.

Of course, there are no target dates for these phases because, unlike liquor in Florida, calendars have become nonessential items in CoronaWorld and we’ve stopped using them. Plus, the U.S. government is trying to leave that little controversy for the states and their regions to battle out. (This is an election year.)

I hope I’ve adequately interpreted your part in phasing back into society. So, when your state or region gives you the “go,” ease back into where you left your life in March with caution. And remember to post plenty of updates on your social media for the rest of us.