Today is Superhero Day, a day to honor our superheroes, both real and fictional, and a day I didn’t know about until I asked Stupid Robot (Alexa) for my Every Day Positivity inspirational message.
This holiday, which was declared by Marvel Comics in 1995, got me thinking about the superheroes in this pandemic. Yes, we honor the regulars: the first responders. You all always seem to rock. Then we honor, of course, our healthcare and grocery store workers, mail carriers, and garbage collectors. (Recycle people, notice that I am not including you until you start coming to my house regularly. You can do it. Set your alarm. I believe in you, despite the fact you let me down on average once a week.)
Then I started thinking about some of the superheroes not many people have thought to honor. Two notables stand out.
First, I would like to give a superhero shout-out to the the inventor of Lysol. What an amazing product. I can diffuse a mist of germ-killing chemicals in a room and not only do I disinfect possible Corona-tainted items, but you make the room smell fragrant and fresh. Plus, Lysol company, I honor your integrity. After you get an endorsement from the president of the United States as a possible cure for COVID-19, you issue a warning statement against that use of your product — like five minutes later — at the sacrifice of what could have been your largest earnings quarter of your company’s lifetime. You truly know the meaning of doing the right thing. Today, we honor you.
The next category of superheroes on the list is anyone who had anything to do with the fact that I have internet connected to just about any everything in my house but the toaster (but that might be pretty cool, too, to one day eat a piece of SmartToast). Netflix, Amazon Prime, Xfinity (not you, AT&T… you know what you did), along with the other icons that appear when I hit “Source” on my remote allow me to watch just about anything I want to see at any moment of the day or night. You all are totally heroes in this quarantine. Just think about (or remember, maybe) what it is like in a prison. I saw all the seasons of “Orange is the New Black,” so I’m a prison expert, and I can tell you that those bored ladies would have NOT overrun the guards and taken over the prison if they would have been in the middle of watching Marty and Wendy Byrd launder cartel money on The Ozarks or Joe Exotic attack Carole on Tiger King. So our second pandemic superheroes of 2020 are everyone in the wifi/home entertainment crew that makes being captured in our own homes not only tolerable, but enjoyable.
Then, for some reason — maybe because every superhero has an arch rival — I start thinking about who might be the villains of this pandemic. I start wondering, who is the Lex Luther… who is the Thanos of this current worldwide “situation.” Here’s what I came up with.
First, dudeman who inhaled the breath of a bat. Really? I bet you’ve now mutated into a skeleton-winged bad guy and you’re out there flying around on your Onewheel hoverboard in your dark cape, black CoronaMask, and latex kitchen gloves. You lure others to your cult, give them the virus, then send them to countries to breath on all the gas station pumps and ATM machines. Don’t get me wrong, Dudeman. I love flying mammals with sharp teeth, but I can’t imagine the scenario in which you had to give one mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. You are probably the least-liked individual in the 21st Century so far. You are a CoronaVillain.
Next, the person or people who buy all the toilet paper every day are the nemeses of everyone who has had to get creative with their self-sanitation strategies. Are you serious? What are you using it for? I don’t understand! On last week’s mission to the grocery store, we were lucky enough to acquire a 4-pack. Oh, there were more 4-packs… maybe 6-8 packages left. You know what we did? We bought ONE pack! We left some for the others. And guess what? Today we return to the grocery store looking for more TP, and you beat us to it! ALL of it! Is this a joke? Are you some rich person just messing with the planet’s population? You thought this would be funny? (Ok, it kind of is.) Yes, I know how to make my own toilet paper, but when you gotta go, you gotta go; there’s no time to wad up a sheet of copy paper again and again and again until it becomes soft. You, my enemy, are a CoronaVillain, although you are more liked for your sense of humor than BatBreath Dudeman.
And finally, the majority of the CoranaVillain posse includes anybody who gets too close. That could be you. You will know it’s you because when you see me in public, you will think I’m smiling at you. But I’m not. Under my mask, but I’m really brandishing my teeth. I’m getting ready to growl at you because you apparently don’t have the math skills to know that two sets of CoronaCouples heading in opposite directions down the Sweet Gherkins Pickles aisle will not result in a distance of greater than 6 feet apart from each other. Don’t worry, it won’t be as bad as if you were a real zombie, and I was a post-apocalyptical survivor — I probably won’t jab your brain with something sharp — but you will get a scowl from me… from underneath my mask. In this world of half faces, a smile is only an assumption.
These are some of the many superheroes and CoronaVillains that are non-political and non-religious and will keep me out of the majority of trouble for now. Remember, anyone can be a superhero if he or she tries (or doesn’t try, depending on social distancing guidelines).
See ya next time! Same CoronaBlog. Same CoronaChannel.